What I Want to Remember from "The Gifts of Imperfection"

Book: "The Gifts of Imperfection:  Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brené Brown
Link: http://www.amazon.com/The-Gifts-Imperfection-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X
Path to Discovery:   Multiple roads have led to this book.  I finally read the book after I watched Brené's Ted Talks on vulnerability and shame.

In brief:  What did I take to heart?  
(A few things I want to remember - not a summary of the whole book)

Everyone has shame.  Yes, even that perfect-looking person with the perfect pedigree.  Perfectionism may be a misguided attempt to fend off shame. 

Shame grows in secret.  We each need a few trusted confidantes to talk with about our shame.  Through exposing our vulnerability to someone who deserves our trust, we build what Brené Brown calls shame resilience. 

We each have a signature way to react to shame:  fight, flight, or freeze.  When we feel shame, we can take an alternative path:  we can choose to stay in the moment, with awareness.  We can recognize that we are feeling shame, allow vulnerability, and take a more courageous action.  The definition of "courage" may vary based on the person.  For some, courage may mean staying with the uncomfortable feeling without lashing out.  For some, it may mean setting a boundary.  For others, it may mean seeking connection.

Through her research, the author found a cadre of people who live unfettered by shame, who possess shame resilience.  She calls these people the Wholehearted. Some hallmarks of the Wholehearted: they are authentic; they live a life they love (vs. simply acquiring things  - or reputations); they create time for stillness; they PLAY, laugh, dance.   

On authenticity:  Brené gave the example of speaking inauthentically to try to please an organizer and a crowd; and the (mildly) disastrous result.   When we live our lives inauthentically to please others, we are on the road to addiction, depression...anything but happiness.  Beyond that, we each have gifts that are dying to be cultivated and shared - and we die inside if we do not cultivate and share them.   

On intuition:  This rang so true to me:  Sometimes when we start asking everyone else what we should do, it's because we aren't connecting to our own inner wisdom, or because we are searching for the illusion of certainty when it doesn't exist.   Sometimes when we want to rush a decision, it may be that we don't want to hear the information that comes from an inquiry.  Intuition involves listening to one's gut, even when it says "I want to inquire more" or "It's time to buck the trend."

On anxiety:  Rather than react immediately from anxiety, we could cultivate some stillness and inquire into whether we have the information we need to make a decision. Overreaction doesn't help.  Sometimes we may need to ask for time to reflect or research, before responding.  Regular meditation can help us access that internal quietness.

On play:  Through this book I was led to watch Stuart Brown's Ted Talk, and it felt like one of those life-changing moments:  Stuart said that when we don't play, we become depressed; we lose our inspiration and zest.   Play is something we do just for its own sake; we may think of it as a frivolity, but it is a necessity for our joy and, counter-intuitively, for our work.   So if we are feeling dead, stuck, unable to create, we could consider opening ourselves up through more play, even at times when we think the answer is more structure and stricture (work! work! work!).

Here are some interpretations of Brené's journaling and thinking exercises:

• List your beliefs about what you are "supposed to" do.  Inspect and challenge them. What makes you think they are true?  Then write down the activities and work that make your heart sing.  What strikes you?
• Write down the activities and practices you do when your life is working well.  (What are you doing when you are living a joyful and meaningful life?)  Then, look at the life you thought you needed to live, to achieve your goals.  What new glimpses of possibility are you seeing?

What questions am I left pondering?

• How to integrate play into life on a daily basis?  
• I can remember stumbling into regular play when I was invited to play violin in an alternative rock band.  We played weekly at bars, festivals, wine bars, restaurants, parties.  At the time I didn't even know "play" was on the happiness-requirement list -- and it came to me, joyfully, unexpectedly.  During that time, the feeling of creativity and possibility spilled into all parts of my life, including my high-tech job in a beige San Jose office.  I truly believe we can play at work, and work at its best feels like play!   And maybe playing outside work can spark the fire for play at work.
• What are some here-and-now examples of integrating play, daily, which feel worthwhile and meaningful, vs. junky and addictive?  
• Where do you find the balance between "authenticity" vs. "calm in a storm," when a part of you is shaking in your boots, but a community will be impacted by your words and actions?   What is the balance between crafting a message carefully towards the greater good, vs. speaking your mind and heart without edits?  
• I believe that finding the balance involves judgment and perspective.   The first answer to "what is authentic" may not be the whole truth.
• With regular meditation or other practices like Focusing, you can learn to tune into multiple parts of yourself - even in a stressful time.   You may discover that one part of you experiences fear, and another part feels calm and trusting.  You can access wisdom about what to pay attention to, and what to allow to emerge.  Based on that deeper and broader perspective, you may choose words and actions to inspire calm in others.  Or, you may choose to talk about your fear.   Either choice may be authentic.
• Sometimes talking or acting "authentically" is actually an overreaction based on a mistaken conclusion.   It can be more productive to check your thinking first or inquire into your own assumptions.  Inquiring into the facts can be just as authentic as reacting blindly.   
• Yet questions linger that can only be answered on a case by case basis:  When does holding back for the "greater good" cross the line into inauthenticity?   When does your song just need to be belted out, wrong notes and all?  

© 2015 Kristen Lee.  All rights reserved